i'm feeling emo abt sth that shouldnt be posted on the other blog.
and i know jiayi's the only one who reads this blog anyway.

feeling damn nostalgic.
and regretful.
and emo.

i dunno.
there's like so many similar stuff,
only mine occurred 3 years ago,
and his just happened.

really really hope he can recover soon(:

no matter what,
the few who know are always there behind you :D

and yes,
jiayi,
i know you dont understand this post,
but dont kaypoh x)

i don't get it.
why must MY life's choices always be determined by YOU?
like WHAT THE HELL are you doing in MY life.

it's damn fucking unfair.

SO WHAT IF YOU WILL COMPLAIN IN THE FUTURE?!
you already got everything you want in life.
WHY CAN'T I GO TO SINGFEST BECAUSE YOU'LL BE JEALOUS.
you bitch.

everything, EVERYTHING is determined by you.
why.

not moving house:
"because your sister still studying here"

not being able to keep pets:
"because your sister would want one too"

not being able to get my own laptop without paying:
"because your sister would complain, and then i have to get another one for her"

always getting scolded because of you:
"why can't you be more like your sister and do more housework?"
when it's like 9pm at night, and i've been rushing hw till midnight for the last few nights, and i only return from sch so late everyday.

not being able to go singfest:
"no, you cannot go because if i pay for you, 2 years later your sister would say 'how come last time jiejie can i cannot'"

LIKE WHAT THE HELL.
more than sometimes,
i wish you'ld just DISAPPEAR from my life permanantly.
it'll make no difference at all.
you bitch of a sister.

lose, lost, losses.
that's just what happens anyway, ain't it?

people gain,
but lose more than they gained at the same time;
then they look back,
and suddenly want the thing that they lost,
whatever they gained suddenly insignificant.
but after a long time,
the feeling just sorta fades away,
and maybe one day they'll look back,
and emo over their losses.

and the cycle goes on and on,
until one day,
you realise you've lost too much,
and decide that you've got to do better:
to gain, but not lose.

but it's too late,
you look around you,
and see that everyone's gone:
amidst all the gains,
you've lost all your friends,
you've lost faith,
you've lose hope,
and you lost yourself.





lose, lost, losses:
are you going to change before it's too late?



// for readers of timo~ also,
i know i've posted this there as well,
but this poem/prose thingy seems to fit more here,
so yea, ty for reading it twice(:

just read this piece of news which made me damn sad.
this kinda stuff always make me remember how fragile life is,
and how much can change in a split-second.

i dunno,
all i can say now is 'admit your mistakes, and treasure what you have'.
who knows,
the person whom you love but argued/fell-out/fought with might lose their lives the next minute.
and you'll be filled with regret for not being able to apologise while they were still alive.

tell the person you love that you love them,
even though they might have grown sick of hearing it.
it means alot to them and yourself.

live life the way you want it to be.
if you should die the next day,
at least you die in the mind-set that your life had been full of joy.

// to hy:
if you ever read this,
just remember that everyone is behind you.
your class, your friends, your family, and the public.
be brave,
as you're the man of the house now:
you have to take care of your sis while your mum's busy and stuff.
i almost lost my dad once,
so i have an idea of how you are feeling now.
if you do miss your dad,
just take a photo of him and talk to it.
as stupid as it sounds,
it works.
if you ever need help,
there are teachers all over dhs that will always be there for you.
(other than teachers, there's still friends and whatever, but you get the idea, ya?)
i really hope your family can go through this rough patch together,
and i dunno,
become more bonded or sth through it.

remember, wherever your dad is now,
he'll always be living in your heart(:

i don't know what to say.
'cept that idmi is screwed.

and mr tan is damn nice.
and mr han was ._.
got chocolate don't take,
make cold jokes about it ...

rawr.
post later.
rushing idmi.

i suddenly miss cheddar.
it felt weird cleaning the drawers today,
and taking out only 3 hamsters instead of 4.
there's a 'something's missing' feeling.

hmm.
just hope she's in Heaven, with God[:
// end post

realised on the mrt that there's no point in holding on to the past,
and there's no way to certain the future,
but there's still this funny feeling that makes me want to persue the past,
hoping that things could become what might have been, then.

i dunno,
i think i'll just try and make friends in dhs,
regardless of whether they're the kind that i'm looking for.
and i think,
that some of my squadmates are almost there.
//end insights

song of the day:

superman . five for fighting

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me

I’m more than a bird...i’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away...away from me
It’s all right...you can all sleep sound tonight
I’m not crazy...or anything...

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
Inside of me
Inside me
Yeah, inside me
Inside of me

I’m only a man
In a funny red sheet
I’m only a man
Looking for a dream

I’m only a man
In a funny red sheet
And it’s not easy, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm...

Its not easy to be me

life's on a rollercoaster ride now.

it ain't like the past,
where i broke down everytime,
and i have people i could count on.

now it's more like me telling myself:
"don't cry; don't break down."
because there's no one i can count on now.
and there's no point in trying to explain myself to them:
they don't understand me.

i dunno.
now all i want is someone i can pour out everything to.
so that i won't bottle up everything.

so that i know that there's someone out there who actually understands me,
someone i can hang out with,
someone i can talk to about everything and anything,
someone who likes me for me.
(and not the person i'm acting as)
// end of very emo post

ok.
so long bus rides make me think.
and today's thought was
'what would the present be if the past were different?'

and then i started emo-ing.
it's like; whenever i think of the past,
i'll realise the tremendous amounts of opportunities slip by.
and the many mistakes i made,
and the heart that i keep breaking...

so yea,
at the end of the bus ride,
i realised that no matter how much i wished i could change the past,
it's impossible to:
the only thing to do is to try and make up for the mistakes,
and hope that the preferred ending would occur anyway.
(but there would still be scars left /:)
//end of insights

and i really think it's impossible to fit in in dhs.
or i'm just hanging out with the wrong clique.

somehow it's so much easier to breathe when i'm alone in sch:
i don't have to think through my actions,
i don't have to control my emotions,
i don't have to go through the pain when i see that i'm the odd one out in the clique.

it's like nobody understands what i go through in SJ.
they all make fun of it,
insult it,
make me look stupid for being in it.
but they don't understand that i love being in SJ.
they don't know the joy that we get in SJ,
they don't experience the bond i have with my squad.
//end

i dunno.
i just miss my sqd and the 6A clique.
alot.



song of the day:

Skater Boy . Avril Lavigne

He was a boy
She was a girl
Can I make it anymore obvious?

He was a punk.
And she did ballet.
What more can I say?

He wanted her.
She'd never tell.
Secretely she wanted him as well.

And all of her friends
Stuck up their nose.
And they had a problem with his baggy clothes.

He was a skater boy she said see ya later boy.
He wasn't good enough for her.
She had a pretty face but her head was up in space.
She needed to come back down to earth.

Five years from now she sits at home feeding the baby she's all alone.
She turns on TV and guess who she sees.
Skater boy rocking up MTV.

She calls up her friends.
They already know
And they've all got tickets to see his show.

She tags along,
stands in the crowd .
Looks up at the man that she turned down.

He was a skater boy she said see ya later boy.
He wasn't good enough for her.
Now he's a superstar slammin on his guitar to show pretty face what he's worth.

He was a skater boy she said see ya later boy.
He wasn't good enough for her.
Now he's a superstar slammin on his guitar to show pretty face what he's worth.

Sorry girl but you missed out.
Well tough luck that boy's mine now.
We are more than just good friends.
This is how the story ends.

Too bad that you couldn't see..
see the man that boy could be.
There is more than meets the eye,
I see the soul that is inside.

He's just a boy,
and I'm just a girl.
Can I make it anymore obvious?
We are in love.
Haven't you heard how we rock each other's world?

I met the skater boy I said see ya later boy.
I'll be backstage after the show.
I'll be at the studio singing the song he wrote about a girl he use to know.

I met the skater boy I said see ya later boy.
I'll be backstage after the show.
I'll be at the studio singing the song he wrote about a girl he use to know.